Your Inner Critic: Time for a Different Approach?

Do you ever get fed up with your inner critic?

Maybe your first instinct is to want to lash out at it. Or perhaps you’d like to find a way to permanently silence it and be done with your inner critic for good. 

But it’s sort of confusing, isn’t it, because you may have been told that trying to abolish it won’t necessarily help you feel any better. Instead, you’ve heard you need to do the opposite: focus on being kind to it. Yet the thought of trying to create a better relationship with it just feels…strange. 

It makes sense if you feel confused about your inner critic. So in this post I’m delving into …

• What it is and where it comes from
• Why it rarely works to fight back and what does work
• What may stand in the way of cultivating a relationship with the critic and how to take a different approach

Okay, let’s get to the bottom of this, shall we?

Who or what is your inner critic?

For most women it shows up as an inner voice that tells you you’re not measuring up or that life is hard or even that you’re stupid when you appear to make even small mistakes. It may feel like you’re trying to scale a steep mountain that’s always one step up and three steps back, and you don’t have the right tools in your backpack.

Often it comes automatically and catches you off guard. Or it becomes second nature, almost like a quiet, repetitive (and harsh) mantra that resides somewhere deep within. You probably also experience uncomfortable body sensations that go along with it.

No wonder you might want to shout back and say…Shut up!

You may actually feel a release (usually temporary) when you fiercely stand up to the critic, and fighting back can feel cathartic. But as strange as it may sound, real release and catharsis often arrive when you begin cultivating a relationship with it.

Not that long ago, however, there was a theory that proposed it was in your best interest to fight back, because it was thought to be an internalized “bad object” that lied to you and needed to be confronted and destroyed. The theory was that doing nothing or being kinder to the critic would intensify it. The reasoning went like this: in order to get the upper hand you need to put it in its place.

At the time there were many books that recommended you rant and rave at your inner critic and say things like… 

• Shut up, liar!
• Cut the crap!
• Screw you, Critic!
• To hell with these put downs!
• This is poison. Stop it!

(For some of my clients this has actually worked a little in the past, but when they come to therapy after years of fighting back they mostly feel exhausted.)

More recently, neuroscience has shed light on where the inner critic comes from and how it works.

It’s housed in the part of your brain that’s responsible for implicit memory and automatic learning. It allows you to do things like drive a car or tie your shoes without having to think about them.

But it can’t understand your good intentions in fighting back because it operates outside of conscious awareness. It also holds old and deeply wired pain, shame, and criticism, and its emotional response is linked to past experiences.

So when you fight back with negative language it automatically latches onto those negatives. For instance, in the examples I gave above, your brain is going to hear: poison, liar, crap, screw you. 

And the fighting back is probably going to make you feel worse.

There comes a point when cultivating a relationship with your critical voice is the wise choice.

As you can see, the critic isn’t some alien that’s taken up residence in your body.

It’s actually a part of you, an inner sensation/voice or set of beliefs that you likely developed in order to emotionally protect yourself along the way. And the last thing you/it needs right now is to feel judged. 

What it can recognize, though, are your efforts to soothe it, be with it and understand it. And ultimately, kindness and self-compassion lead the way when it comes to reaching it.

On the face of it, it might seem relatively simple to start exploring your inner critic, given the abundance of ideas, strategies, and practices you can find online and in books. There are also lots of therapists (including me) and other professionals who can help with this. 

While this process isn’t necessarily quick, over time it can shift feelings of self-criticism toward feelings of self-acceptance and self-belief.

Why, then, is it so hard to actually cultivate a relationship with your critic?

It’s partly because women frequently judge themselves harshly, for many reasons, and it can be a long road to unwind that. 

But something else is at work here too. When you search online or read social media posts about something that you perceive to be a personal problem (like your critic), the algorithms will continually feed you content on this topic. Apparently we can be exposed to as many as 5000 ads a day. And the more of it you see, the more overwhelmed you feel. 

Furthermore, marketing is often designed to trigger your pain points and anxieties in order to get you to make a purchase. Nowadays it’s not unusual to read ads, posts, or newsletters that amplify not only negative emotions about the inner critic, but about your perceived shortcomings in handling it as well.

It’s important to clarify that this messaging is directed at all women, not only younger women and girls. 

Most of my clients (who range from their thirties to their seventies) still can be susceptible to the unrelenting messages about how they should be doing better and being better. As one recently acknowledged: “What I see online makes me feel bad about myself.” And a dear friend told me: “I feel like I need to be worried all the time.”

No wonder we feel that way. When we see messages that trigger our anxieties and fears, it makes it difficult to find solid ground.

So here’s something good: while we all experience negative self-talk and critical inner voices, they’re not trying to sabotage you and don’t have it in for you.

They’re just parts that are very old (and at the same time young). They’re scared because they can’t act. All they have at their disposal is a loud voice and a lot of fear.

Many parts of you are embodied and can take action. But not these negative and critical voices, who are basically disembodied. And the efforts to name them as anything else or see them as an adversary won’t change that.

Something important shifts, though, when you begin accepting that your critical voice is not deliberately trying to harm you and, in fact, might surprise you when you engage with it from a place of deep curiosity and empathy.

Let’s wrap this up with four ways to take a different approach to your critic that you can start right now.

1. Understand its beginnings.

As I mentioned earlier, the inner critic is a part of you that holds old and deeply wired pain, shame, and criticism, and its emotional response is linked to past experiences.

What that means in real life is that if you were criticized, shamed, blamed or belittled as a child in some way, you reacted in the best way you knew and developed protective coping strategies. For instance, you may have unconsciously sought to try harder to be “better” or deflected adult criticism by heading it off at the pass, criticizing yourself first. 

Everyone’s experience is different, but it’s likely your critical voice stems from a stew of parental, institutional, and societal expectations, combined with personal traits and potentially past trauma.

2. Explore gentle ways to name it.

Over the years I’ve heard a lot of names for my clients’ inner critics: Judge, Gremlin, Saboteur, Witch, Dragon, Task Master, Controller. And at the time, they made so much sense.

A few years ago, however, I realized that once you fully grasp its beginnings, it becomes easier to name the critic graciously. For instance, nowadays I see my inner critic as a Stage Mother, the part of me who never got her time in the spotlight even though she had so much to give. 

3. Let it be what it is for now.

When you begin engaging with your inner critic with empathy and kindness (the next step) you might discover that it’s suspicious or wants to rebuff you. Try to accept that, remembering that it doesn’t actually have it in for you. 

4. Engage with it through empathy and kindness, and bring your journal along if it suits you.

Here’s a simple practice to try on your own, based on Inner Relationship Focusing (IRF). Personally, I use this as a journaling practice, writing down the encounter as it goes along. 

Begin by settling into your body and sinking into the support of the chair or the bed (or whatever is holding you). Notice your breath and do a quick scan of your body. Then bring your attention to the front of your body, noticing the sensations that are there. (It may be helpful to consult a body sensations list.)

You might notice something around your throat, chest, or stomach, but it could be somewhere else too. And that is the felt sense, the “something in you” or “part of you” that you start with.

Engaging with the felt sense…

I’m sensing that something in me (for me that would be my inner Stage Mother) is feeling _______ and…

• I’m checking in with it to see if it’s okay to be with it…
• I’m listening to whatever it wants me to know…
• I’m letting it know that I get how it feels…
• I’m letting it know it makes so much sense to feel that way…
• I’m letting it know it deserves my attention and care…
• I’m letting it know I want to give it the compassion and curiosity it needs…
• I’m here, showing up for this part of me so it no longer has to be alone…

Let yourself ease into this practice over time.

While you’re being gentle with your inner critic, also practice being gentle with yourself. There’s no rush, you can take your time. Because your inner critic will always be there, waiting to be seen and known by you.

This revolutionary act of treating ourselves tenderly can begin to undo the aversive messages of a lifetime.

-Tara Brach

Want support for your own wise journey?

If you’d like help knowing yourself better and feeling freer to be who you truly are, my free course — Finding Yourself Again — is a good place to start.

My course can help you gain insight on the critical voices and beliefs within you and begin to transform them with creative and imaginative approaches. It’s based on the same practices that have helped my clients reclaim what’s missing and move toward what matters.

And if you have any questions, do get in touch.