Is Therapy Hard? A Santa Rosa Therapist Answers the Question

It’s a common belief that therapy is hard.

In fact, at a recent psychological seminar, one of the presenters not only acknowledged that therapy is hard, but also proclaimed, “therapy shouldn’t be easy.”

Many attendees seemed to agree and also suggested that if therapy is too “easy” it wouldn’t be as beneficial and healing.

It got me thinking about the messages that are embedded in how we talk about therapy, and how they can be quite confusing!

What better time to unravel what’s underneath the messages about therapy?

Messages like:

• Therapy is hard. (Does that mean it should be hard?)
• Therapy shouldn’t be easy. (If it’s too easy does that mean it’s not valuable?)

First, it’s really important not to attach any shoulds to therapy.

In general, shoulds can do so much harm. They can box you in with expectations about therapy that may not fit your current reality or your actual needs. And they can fill you with self-doubt and shame, especially if you believe you are not meeting your own or your therapist’s expectations of how your journey together is progressing. So let’s definitely not go there.

In my opinion, therapy should or shouldn’t be perceived as anything predetermined or set in stone, because everyone is unique and will have their own unique goals and experience of therapy.

That said, if you’re my client I want you to experience therapy and counseling as healing, helpful, and transformative in some way. However, you are in the driver’s seat. We’ll collaborate and work together to determine how therapy needs to be for you. But ultimately, you’ll make the decisions about what you need to receive from it. (And I’ll definitely be there helping you figure that out.)

Let’s dive in and look at some other variables that might give us some insight.

While it may not seem easy, therapy can bring great relief.

At first you may feel relieved because you’ve had so much bottled up and now someone who cares about you is there to listen and be a witness. In fact, clients often feel a little better soon after beginning counseling and therapy.

I think that’s because there aren’t many peaceful, distraction free places where the world slows down and you’re fully accepted, deeply listened to and totally supported for an hour or so. In this environment you may be relieved to begin getting things out and releasing the pressure valve.

If therapy is hard, the relationship you have with your therapist is directly related to how you’ll cope with that.

Multiple studies have shown that the actual healing power of therapy comes from the relationship you have with your therapist or counselor. In fact, the therapist’s technique or theoretical base doesn’t matter so much.

As your therapist it’s on me to bring genuineness, unconditional positive regard, empathy, shared goals, honesty, trust, knowledge, experience, and open communication to our relationship.

But the thing is, any relationship takes two, and good relationships do take work.

When you think about it, relationships are all of it: challenging, uplifting, joyful, happy, sad, meaningful. Relationships certainly require effort and sometimes that’s hard, but as a dear therapist friend said to me long ago: It’s a good kind of hard.

Therapy is a meaning-making endeavor.

Most people come to therapy wanting to feel happier in some way, and that’s often an outcome. But in order to get there, you’ll probably need to take a journey of meaning. And meaning is harder to attain than happiness; while the end result is incredibly rewarding, it takes more time and dedication than immediate happiness.

The structure of therapy itself is a good example of this, because much of the work you’ll do will be outside the therapy session. You may only see your therapist for an hour each week, or maybe even every other week. That means therapy requires a commitment of time, energy, reflection, and action. No doubt about it, that’s one of the reasons you might experience therapy as a challenging endeavor.

Sometimes therapy gets more challenging as you go along.

You bring your whole self to therapy: your history, patterns and behaviors. If therapy feels harder over time, it may be because you’re ready to dive into all that.

At first, you might stay on the surface, exploring easier challenges in your life. As you go along, though, you may realize that some things don’t seem to shift or change much, or you keep repeating the same patterns of thought or behavior or emotions. When you feel safe and comfortable with your therapist, together you may decide it’s time to do some deeper work.

The process is about change, and almost all human beings find change difficult.

Let’s face it, no matter how transformative or beneficial change is, it’s hard. We naturally resist it and maybe that resistance is even laced into our DNA.

During therapy you can also find yourself in particularly stuck places, where change feels mysterious, uncertain, and overwhelming. I don’t want to minimize that truth, but I’m also hard pressed to come up with any significant life change (positive, enriching change) that doesn’t require work and effort. 

You are human and this work mirrors the human experience.

We only have control over so much, even within ourselves. One of the most transformative (and often difficult) aspects of therapy is about accepting your quirks, inconsistencies, idiosyncrasies, and personal stumbling blocks.

Of course, you could try to transform all of them, but that would be exhausting, because the human experience is a paradox of light and dark. And we are all of it. Not to mention the fact that you wouldn’t be you any longer if all that went away.

So it isn’t meant to fix you, and it might be hard to accept that you’re okay in spite of your imperfections. It might be hardest of all to believe that you don’t need fixing.

It’s about healing, and healing is an ongoing process.

Life isn’t neat and tidy, and we don’t exactly get closure very often. That realization can be hard to deal with. For instance, in grief counseling we know that closure isn’t the goal, and I think that’s true for many things that are explored in therapy.

Plus, I’m don’t think emotional wounds heal in quite the same way that physical wounds do. And even then, if you get a bad ankle sprain, while that ankle will likely heal if you care for it, it may still always be just a little bit tender.

Finally, therapy is a sacred space almost unlike any other.

In the final analysis, the answer is probably yes, therapy is hard. Sometimes there are tears. Or pain and confusion. There are stuck places and it can take time to change.

And yet, there’s laughter too.

There’s comfort and support.

There’s intense collaboration, a community of two.

There are incredible aha moments.

There’s ease and joy.

And for sure, there’s love and caring, and sacred space too.

Life is not what it’s supposed to be. It’s what it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference. –Virginia Satir

Welcome, there’s a place for you here.

I offer women’s therapy in Santa Rosa and online throughout California. You’ll find support that starts right where you are and therapy that is attuned to your needs.

If it feels like something’s missing in your life or in you, therapy can help you find your way back to yourself. I’d be honored to take that journey with you. Please reach out if you need support.