How to Begin Again…and Again

It’s true: you can begin again. And again.

I’m feeling very optimistic about this. Here’s why: I believe more and more women are embracing the possibility that every moment is an opportunity to learn how to begin again.

Something inside of us, perhaps the inner wise woman, knows that the old way of proclaiming “I’ll just do it (whatever it is) and push through” often doesn’t work.

At the same time we’re opening up to a deeper truth: that beginning again is always available.

Before we go further, let’s explore what beginning again usually means.

First, it’s a commonly used metaphor that signifies a period of starting over. Examples of this could be:

• You’re healing and moving out of a period of depression, anxiety, grief, or low moods
• You’re moving through a significant life change or transition
• You’ve made your way through something difficult, and you’re on the cusp of a new stage.

Any area of your life could be involved: relationships, work, family, and mental health, to name a few.

Second, life’s marker events often provoke beginning again goals tied to the desire for a fresh start.

Examples of marker events include…

• I’m turning 50 and I’m not going to wait any longer to follow my dreams, or
• It’s a New Year and I’m finally going to get in shape.

We’ve all experienced them, and they tend to bring on aspirational thoughts and intentions, provoked by what behavioral scientists call the Fresh Start Effect.

But don’t get too excited, because research shows that the Fresh Start Effect doesn’t always last. In fact, as far as New Year’s resolutions go, only about 9% of people see their resolutions through to completion.

Thankfully, the Buddhist concept of mindfulness offers a deeper definition of how to begin again.

In meditation practice, it’s the moment when you realize that even though you’ve strayed from focusing on your breathing, you can simply begin again, repeating the phrase quietly to yourself.

But you don’t need to practice meditation to embrace this definition.

In fact, these few uncomplicated words have the power to halt your ruminations, calm your inner critic’s fears, and help you find the good whenever you believe you’ve stumbled on the way forward.

Personally, I can vouch for their effectiveness. Because of them, I wake up each day feeling more hopeful, with a sense possibility. Also, after years of believing I wasn’t a “practice” person, I now understand how the practice is always there, waiting. And when I feel stymied, I know the rhythm of beginning again will return, even if it takes awhile.

There is magic and deep wisdom in learning and practicing how to begin again.

When we hold the ever present possibility that we can start again anytime, in the smallest of moments and experiences, it changes us.

It offers us a way to believe in ourselves with a deeper sense of self-compassion, that many of us have never quite had before.

We suddenly understand that beginning again happens in the small in-between moments: a pause, a tiny shift, a slight awakening.

It helps that there are other women role-modeling how to begin again in real life, showing us that we can set our own pace, honor our own rhythms, and grant ourselves unlimited opportunities to begin again.

Remember: no matter how often you need to begin again, it in no way diminishes your worth or goodness.

Still, it doesn’t necessarily come easily, does it? The experience of beginning again might be hard to grasp since we’ve been conditioned to think that we should:

• go all in and rapidly make progress
• align with theories about the stages of change
• easily move through linear habit change formation models

Of course, there’s nothing inherently bad about established theories and models of change if they work for you. However, if you struggle with it or sense you’re not measuring up to expected outcomes, you might believe there’s something wrong with you. (There isn’t; in fact you’re not alone and you’re doing the best you can.)

You’re not alone if you long to feel better or move forward, but are unsure how to begin again.

I think we struggle because we’re often told that the answer lies in linear, stage-based models of change that don’t necessarily fit with women’s more intuitive, quiet knowing about personal change. While some part of us understands that it’s normal to experience ups and downs along the way (and the pull to begin again), the images and stories around us may say otherwise.

On the one hand you may expect yourself to get with the program, while on the other hand what you really need is to give yourself the grace to step back, regroup, and practice beginning again.

By honoring your inner voice of guidance and support, you may discover your perfect approach: a mix of both worlds, creating your own unique blend of intuitive and systematic strategies for change.

Still, the message about going all in is hard to get away from.

Can you relate?

I can. Plenty of times I’ve expected myself to operate on a fast timeline–to do better and feel better–without realizing it.

When you think about it, it doesn’t leave much room to begin again. And when you pull back the layers, you may discover you’ve been taught to believe that if you don’t go fast enough or be good enough at it, why bother? In fact, why not just quit?

Ouch! No wonder it’s hard to give ourselves space to begin again.

This kind of self-defeating narrative can affect any part of your life.

It can show up wherever you’re trying to move forward. It might be about your inner or outer journey. Or both.

It tends to come up for my clients when we’re working through anxiety and depression, or exploring and creating loving self-care practices.

But you know what?

Specific approaches to healing and self improvement are common. And it’s okay if you’re not built to function that way. In fact, when you see that you’re allowed to find your own creative approach, life can shift quickly.

In many ways, the essence of how to begin again starts with holding the both/and of your life.

What do I mean by both/and?

Both/and is a psychological concept that helps with anxiety and depression, promotes healing, and encourages personal/relationship growth:

The basis of both/and is that multiple things can be true at the same time and that everybody has a right to their experience, regardless of what somebody else is experiencing. Psychology Today

So–you can both give in to the pace of your journey (even if you expected to be farther along) and still hold your intentions closely.

You can both have a clear sense of direction and also be unsure how you’ll get there.

You can both accept what you’re experiencing now and realize everything is important—facts, feelings, and the all that lives in between.

Five questions to hold the both/and to help you begin again.

You can journal with these questions, ponder or meditate on them, or simply have them available whenever you need to remember that it’s not only okay to begin again, but that you can start right now.

• Is there another way to look at your thoughts and feelings about being stuck or stalled? What shifts when you consider that thoughts and feelings can be strong one minute and then quickly shift the next?
• Could you trust something larger than yourself right now…your inner wisdom, the universe, a higher power? What would that feel like?
• What do your senses and intuition tell you about the movement that’s going on inside of you even though it doesn’t necessarily feel like you’re moving forward on the outside?
• What place within you is flowing most freely right now? How might you turn toward that momentum?
• If a magical being waved her wand while you slept, ensuring that you woke up each day knowing you can begin again immediately (with no shame or blame), how would you know she’d been there? What would be different?

In closing, what I most wish for you going forward is to be kind and gentle with yourself.

• Set your own pace
• Honor your own rhythms
• Grant yourself a thousand (or more) opportunities to begin again

And know I’ll be right there with you!

*****

If you work with a different rhythm, you will come easily and naturally home to yourself.

-John O’Donahue