Holding Space for Yourself: What is Yours to Know and Hold?
Holding space for yourself is, at its core, a beautiful gift of self-compassion.
It’s a deep form of self-care that’s essential for emotional well-being and self-esteem. And yet, for all of its goodness, if you were to tell me that holding space for yourself is difficult or confusing, I would not be surprised.
Moreover, it’s normal if you find it easier to hold space for others. After all, many women have a natural ability to nurture others. In fact science tells us that we are wired to tend and befriend during stressful times. So it makes sense that you may feel an almost automatic response to nurture others, while struggling to do the same for yourself.
With this in mind, it’s the perfect time to think outside the box and get creative in how we hold space for ourselves.
Today I’m pulling the thread of curiosity on an intuitive, creative and metaphorical approach to holding space for yourself.
We’ll be exploring…
- The core experience of holding space
- Why it’s harder to hold space for yourself
- My personal aha moment about holding space
- Ways to hold space for yourself that are in tune with your deeper needs, deeper nature, and deeper boundaries
First, let’s establish that holding space for another person or group is different from holding space for yourself.
When you’re holding space for others you’ve stepped into a nurturing role and you’re tuned in. When you’re in the flow of it there’s actually a lot to tune into: words, tone, emotions, senses, thoughts, stories, body language. Not to mention awareness of both the other person/people and yourself.
Acceptance is another crucial part of holding space for others. Acceptance is a form of unconditional positive regard, a term Carl Rogers used to illustrates how it’s possible to “be with” whatever is present in the moment, including our challenges and perceived failings.
As you may have noticed, holding space for an individual or group is essentially a form of empathy because you are…
- standing in another’s world, in the fullest way possible
- practicing being present, emotionally attuned, authentic
- validating without needing to fix or solve a problem
You can probably see why holding space for yourself might be harder than holding space for others.
Think about it—which is easier? Compassionately listening to a friend and being there for her? Or compassionately listening to yourself and being there for you?
I know it may feel like a stretch to put aside self-judgment and turn toward nurturing yourself, allowing the grace of holding space to flow inward.
Yet, it is a beautiful thing to hold all of your imperfect (and amazing) self–your full range of light and shadow. When you can practice this, it’s easier to move toward self-acceptance and move away from self-judgment.
But, it’s complicated these days. Rather than swimming in a sea of grace, you may be drowning in a sea of information about what holding space for yourself actually means. In the midst of so much information, it’s hard to move away from overwhelm and move toward the process of personal space holding.
What if holding space for yourself is less about the information that’s out there and more about the wisdom that’s in you?
There’s a good chance we’ve been conditioned to think it’s more complicated than it is. After all, our brains can only hold so much information and advice before they’re overloaded.
Research supports this. Whether it’s holding space or some other concept, too many explanations, instructions, and cognitions get in the way of deeper, instinctual support and wisdom.
And although I may not know you, I’m guessing that what you’re deeply longing for is to partner with your own innate wisdom.
After all, your particular journey of holding space is very personal. Personal space holding may open you up to your most raw and vulnerable parts. While that may be uncomfortable at first, it’s also a beautiful opportunity to finally put aside your masks, and invite all of you to the table.
The good news is your creative, intuitive self is so ready and willing to help with this.
As Natalie Rogers eloquently describes it…
We all need love and approval. Yet the key to unleashing our creative energy is finding the deepest sense of approval within ourselves. If we place the locus of our worth in the hands of others, we doom ourselves to a life of trying to please.
What if you could let your intuitive and creative parts lead the way?
My personal journey to finally understand what holding space meant began with a metaphorical trip to the mountains.
It actually started during one of my women’s circles. At the time our inspiration came from a beautiful book I’d chosen by Mary Reynolds Thompson: Reclaiming the Wild Soul: How Earth’s Landscapes Restore Us to Wholeness.
Consider what she has to say about the interplay between our relationship with the earth and its affect on our mental health and well-being:
When we remember how embedded we are in the Earth, how we are literally made of the same stuff as rivers, rocks and roots, we can see how separating from this beautiful, fecund world might be damaging to our psyches.
When our women’s circle arrived in the mountains, a soulful, serendipitous event happened.
Every single woman in the group had a story to tell about her relationship with rocks: searching for them or collecting them or moving them from place to place.
And a tingle went down my spine when the book asked:
What is it that we touch when we touch a stone?…Mountains and rocks are the bones of the earth…mountains, ancient and abiding, offer a deep time perspective.
Ah, Deep time. Have you heard of it?
Take a breath and say it out loud. And then read how Andrew Alden describes it…
Deep time refers to the time scale of geologic events, which is vastly, almost unimaginably greater than the time scale of human lives and human plans. It is one of geology’s great gifts to the world’s set of important ideas.
Quite unexpectedly, deep time led the way to my personal aha moment about holding space.
I admit, deep time has fascinated me ever since I saw a geologist on television stretch his arm outward. He said that if the space between his shoulder and the tips of his fingers represented the years that the earth had existed, then only about one fingertip’s worth of his extended arm represented the length of time that humans have existed on earth.
Our experience in the women’s circle reawakened me to the truth that mountains know exactly what deep time is because they have existed for billions of years. And as we ascend or stand in the presence of a mountain we slow down and hopefully get a glimmer of our place in time, how minuscule it is, how tiny we are in the grand scheme of things.
In that moment, in my journal, the mountains had a spontaneous message for me…
Let us help you hold space for yourself. Understand your place in the larger story of life. Within these boundaries of time and space, be kind to yourself. Take care to pull back from overstepping your reach or overwhelming yourself. Give yourself the grace of being fully human in the time you’re here.
And then a poem began to take shape on the page…
The mountain’s limbs lift me up
I see far and wide yet am unseen
welcomed as a speck in the vast embrace of time
no need to ponder my place in the grand scheme of things.
The confluence of rocks and deep time and mountain presence released something.
I could see that holding space for yourself could feel easier.
And when I imagined that holding space for myself was a rock or a mountain or some other ancient place in nature, I began anchoring a new boundary within myself. I turned toward the grace of self-acceptance and away from the harshness of self-judgment…
Within the lush walled garden of myself
a place of tiny beauties and blossoms beckoning
vines climbing stone walls built from
the heart of mountains ages ago
* * * * *
Ancient walls built long before my time
ancient walls enclose me
ancient walls remind me
of what is mine to know and hold and keep.
So many women I know feel pressure.
To extend beyond their reach. To be their best selves. To take care of everyone else.
We live during times when it is confusing to define what is yours to know and hold and keep.
No wonder holding space is challenging.
But the images and metaphors that were arriving from the mountain’s presence told a different story:
- You don’t need to be the best, you simply are
- Your becoming is already within you
- You are everything you need
- The landscapes around you support you
- Remember what is yours to know and hold and keep
It is so much easier to hold space for yourself when you touch this ancient knowing.
It is so much easier to let expectations take a back seat and greet all of you at the door.
A lot falls away when you begin to sit with this. Your natural intuition and creativity take over and relieve you of having to manage your doubts and questions and worries.
And as I tell my clients and readers all the time:
You are wise, creative and whole. You already know so much about how to live your life.
What if holding space for yourself is as simple as placing a rock in your palm?
And then, wrapping your fingers around it.
What if it could be that easy? Easy enough to do over and over again. To hold that rock and connect with the bones of the earth and its wisdom that you carry within yourself.
Of course, that’s my metaphor (and practice) for holding space. You’re invited to claim it as your own if it feels right for you.
That said, after reading this you may already have a sense of your particular metaphor. You may have a touchstone place or memory that’s wisely bubbling up to the surface, urging your intuition and creativity to claim your story of holding space for yourself. Encouraging the wise woman within you to name what is yours to know and hold and keep.
Whatever you decide to do, I have come to understand that actually holding something in your hands helps you hold space for yourself.
It might be anything–a rock, your journal, your heart, your cat, an acorn, a candle, a pot, a piece of fabric–anything that calls to you will work.
Whatever is within your reach, let it take your hand and gently guide you to exactly what you need right now.
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If you’re a woman who’s approaching (or in) your midlife and beyond years and the time feels right to explore holding space for yourself…you’re who I created the Wisdom Tending Circle for.
JOIN THE INTEREST LIST and find out more about this creative and supportive women’s group that journeys through the archetypal energies and archetypal landscapes of midlife and beyond.
