4 things to do when it feels like life is passing you by

Okay–you’re here. That probably means a part of you is wondering if life is passing you by.

Maybe you don’t think about it all the time. But there’s something hovering in the background that you can’t quite pin down. It might be faint inklings of regret or “if only’s.” A feeling of time slipping through your fingers, little by little. Or–if you’re approaching or in your midlife years, the inner voice that whispers “life is passing you by” could be getting a little louder as the days add up.

But this is the truth: there is no way your life can pass you by.

I’ll explain more about that in a minute. But first, let’s start with a recent example from my own life.

For instance, let’s take yesterday.

Yesterday was a day. Getting up in the morning. Going to bed at night. And everything that happened in between. (I won’t go into details.)

And then– a rambling walk in the afternoon. A mesmerizing sunset in the early evening.

Other things too, that didn’t go quite as planned. Conversations that were challenging. You could call it a day of stops and starts. Or starts and stops.

This was exactly the kind of day that can anchor in the belief that life is passing you by.

Or at the very least, be reminded that life is not fully in your control.

Thankfully, I didn’t go too far into the worries and concerns. And for some reason, right about the time I was watching that sunset, Annie Dillard’s well-known quote about how we spend our days came to mind.

How we spend our days is of course how we spend our lives. What we do with this hour, and that one, is what we are doing. A schedule defends from chaos and whim. It is a net for catching days…a mock-up of reason and order…A schedule is a peace and a haven set into the wreck of time; it is a lifeboat on which you find yourself, decades later, still living. Each day is the same, so you remember the series afterward as a blurred and powerful pattern.

–Annie Dillard

How we spend our days…those words took me back to an earlier time.

It’s a day I remember well, when I excitedly opened a small sketchbook that would soon become my first art journal. (I still have it as you can see.)

I carefully wrote Dillard’s quote in large block letters on page one, because I was so sure it held some kind of wisdom and magic I needed at that time in my life.

The wisdom and magic I was looking for in this art journal was all about sorting my life out and getting it together. 

Back then the possibility of more reason and order seemed profound to me.

You see, I definitely believed I should be living with less chaos and whim. 

Although I didn’t know it then, there was a deep-seated should at the core of my attachment to the quote. I know now that I feared I’d one day look back on my sometimes chaotic, sometimes orderly life and come to the conclusion that I had not spent it well.

In other words, I was afraid I’d become a victim of the dreaded life is passing you by mentality. I thought if I couldn’t start doing a better job of pulling things together I’d miss out on the peace and haven Dillard writes about.

Looking at the quote today, I notice my nervous system shifting into high alert.

I feel an urgency: it’s not just the days, but the minutes, hours, months, years and decades of life ticking by. So–we better get on track soon or else our lifeboats will collapse. Not to mention that life will pass you by if you don’t take action quickly. 

Of course, I don’t blame Annie Dillard for any of this because I know that this inner sense of urgency happens during almost any life.

As human beings we experience regret: about time spent, time wasted, time passing. Or regret about things that didn’t work out the way we thought they would.

When it feels like life is passing you by there are usually underlying themes to explore.

It’s a familiar experience for many of my clients. One common theme is related to the sense that you’ve been blocked in some way from living your own life, or that you’re living someone else’s version of what life should be.

Particularly in midlife your self-esteem can plunge if you feel disappointed by what you’ve done with your life or literally believe you didn’t do your life well enough up to this point. You also may feel blocked and frustrated by circumstances beyond your control, stalled in a version of life you didn’t expect.

Now, a decade after I pasted the quote in my art journal, I see that it’s not magic.

The words are beautiful and eloquent but they’re not magic.

And the powerful pattern that emerges when I look back isn’t so much about how I stuck to a schedule but more about the experiences I’ve had.

I’ve learned that when you’re living your life, even when it’s imperfect, even when it’s not going according to plan, it has nothing to do with the belief that life is passing you by.

It might surprise you to learn I still love the quote.

I do still want more effective routines, rhythms, and practices in my life. 

However, now I know it’s okay–actually good–to spend the rest of my life experimenting with that.

I finally understand: it’s not about getting my act together since I’ll always be a work in progress, never complete.

And in the end, you hold this wisdom inside yourself too.

It is always available to you.

Because you have always been you.

Four things that will help you be gentler to yourself when it feels like life is passing you by.

Stop. I mean literally stop whatever you’re doing. Look up, look out, see the broader perspective of whatever space you’re in. Breathe, hand to heart. Take the long view.

Release and let go. You don’t have to know how it’s all going to turn out. Take a cue from this snippet of a poem by Christine Valters Paintner: “

Lay down your map and compass,

and those dog-eared travel guides…

Give up the weight of knowing

Be kind to yourself. Say self-compassionate words. Consider the wisdom of another favorite poet, Joy Harjo:

We see you, see ourselves and know that we must take the utmost care and kindness in all things…

Begin Again. It’s not always easy, but no matter how many times you need to begin again, it in no way diminishes your worth or your goodness. Nor does it mean that life is passing you by.

Maybe, in the end, this is the thing: how you spend your days is simply about how you spend your days.

A series of days, months, even years might not have much to do with how you’ve spent your life. Furthermore, it likely has nothing to do with your life passing you by.

And while the words in a quote may perfectly fall into place, the pieces of your life rarely do.

In fact, I’m considering the idea that one rambling walk and one mesmerizing sunset can steady the lifeboat and bring you back to peace even in the midst of a chaotic day.

Even in the midst of a chaotic life.

Do you need support on your  journey towards self-compassion and embracing your inherent self-worth?

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